Untitled Cry

What another horrible year since the pandemic. I find myself so lost in the system as a victim and an advocate for children. I consider myself more of a victim in this case but no wonder why people are scared to leave their abusive ones. I did the right thing that is hard to do. Oh trust me, it is hard when that significant other constantly threatens you and makes you think you “need them” constantly. How does a parent bare the news of a partner betraying what is called a family. I often think about whether me leaving broke the family and caused them to force such harm on the children we created. Why did they punish so harsh and pretend that they had a great weekend. I don’t know and I keep blaming myself for not knowing.

Being raised as a “penecostal” was …scary, in my opinon. I did not like that life revolve around fear of God and being perfect to his standards. I lived everyday scared that I would get rebuked for doing the wrong thing or judged. Still, I was raised that way and carried on a life with anxiety. I mean it’s kind of good right? Being raised that way and now fear of the law and breaking it is something I respect. This religion is focused on baptizing, freeing you from your past and accepting that you must fear God’s rules. First commandment: No Gods other than God – What if one was not raised in the knowledge of him? Do they end of in Hell ? Second commandment: do not have any idol or image besides me – Well I look up to many people but because they are an inspiration. Third commandment: do not say lord name in vein – unfortunately, growing up there are others around me that caused me to adapt to saying “OMG” and I try not to say it due to the way I was raised but it’s a tad hard. Fourth Commandment: Remember sabbath day- I find this a very good commandment easy to follow. Fifth Commandment: Honor thy mother and father – what if one grows up with abusive or drug addict parents ? Should they take follow every direction? Especially a parent who is a sexual abuser? I think NOT! Sixth Commandment: Do not Kill– this is a good rule because that should not be what we are about. We should be about helping each other. Seventh commandment: Do not cheat on spouse – I hold this one rule as well, but found many more do not and it is so sad that one person can not find true love in a lifetime or just dump their partner. Eighth Commandment: Don’t Steal- This is something a typical person with honest morals should already have and is a good rule to intake. Ninth Commandment: Do not lie about someone else or in general- this hold true to me growing up. I am an honest person who expresses her mind and thoughts. Tenth Commandment: Do not be jealous of thy neighbor- Instead be happy for them is my opinion and another rule I stood by growing up.

Lessons taught growing up involved interpretating that Jesus asked his father God to forgive us because we do not know what we are really doing in this so called life. Still, I find myself asking God, how could he let any child bare this type of trauma. All I’ve ever prayed or asked of him is their safety, and to hear such painful events breaks my already broken heart.

I do not want to ever break my freedom. Even though my family is not free from this crime, I still value the freedom of speech and freedom of religion. If not for religion freedom, I would be stuck in a religion that was not right for me.

When there are others involved, especially innocent and ones who look up to you, it makes it so much worth it. To see that that abuse is gone and as a family you can finally work together to create a positive, and non-abusive future. I am the parent along with my partner, and we constantly look for ways to take the trauma and create a positive future. My trauma has its impact on decisions and I tried to keep an open mind. My open mindness of “co-parenting” led to a result I could not bare.

I took the good sides for granted and thought they were an excuse to why I should stay. The system makes it such a process of leaving an abusive so emotionally draining. Why is it that our counties in the court system keep all secrets to themselves. What I mean by that is why is it so hard to combine a case if it’s based of two jurisdictions? How could one county’s evidence not be good enough for the other? Why is it that children must go through multiple interviews in one county and now has to talk about their trauma to complete strangers in a whole other area. Why is sexual abuse rising? Security and Safety of the World Wide Web needs to be controlled. Finally, why are the people who are suppose to be our leaders and area leaders not focusing on it?

Currently, I hate the planet we live on. I want all countries to not fight and the children to be safe. Maybe that is my Utopia heaven because it would feel like a perfect world.

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